The second-guessing has to stop. I mean it, right now stop that. Much easier said than done, but an effort needs to be made. There is no time for self-doubt. We don’t know how long we have, so why do we feel the need to make sure everything is perfect?
Lots of things have changed for me the past year. I’ve changed jobs, majors, and figured out a new diagnosis. Some people left my life, while others came into it. A year ago I thought my life would be 100% different than it is right now, but that’s okay. I prefer it the way it is.
I often stress myself out with change. I’ve never been a fan of it and growing up in a home where changes occurred frequently made me hate it even more. On top of the stress I put on myself, I also valued what others thought too. Too many nights were spent crying worrying about how other people will view my choices without the right context.
When things happen there are always three sides: your side, the other person’s side, and the truth. When people don’t get to hear your side it seems like automatic judgment occurs. This is my biggest concern when moving on with my life. I never wanted others to judge me without first understanding my side, if they still knew and wanted to judge then at least they got the full story.
That isn’t how life goes and I used to HATE it. I wanted to explain myself, but this last year has shown me a lot. The biggest lesson I learned is that it does not fucking matter.
Maybe that language wasn’t necessary, but that lesson was well needed and brought me freedom. It was this huge “ah-ha” moment for me. I could go public with my side, explain everything, and try to get people to understand or I can not give a fuck. I choose the second option.
This is MY life and when the time comes I want to look back with certainty that I didn’t live it for anyone else, but myself. If something makes me happy then you bet I will be doing it without a care (or at least try not to care because I’m still breaking that habit!)
No one deserves an explanation of what I choose to do because they aren’t me. From here on out I won’t be trying to explain myself or choose options that other people will think are better. I’m in control of my life and I’m going to make it a damn good one.
Some people can go their whole lives worrying about what others think and I am incredibly happy I realized early on that it is a waste of time.
People will judge you either way, so might as well do what you want.