sometimes I hate my brain

I try to embrace the fact that I have a couple of mental illnesses that can get in the way of life. There are days when getting out of bed seems close to impossible. The daily medication that tastes really, really bad. The coping skills I have to use when crowds overwhelm me. It’s all so complicated. It doesn’t help when I think about the fact that some of the people closest to me don’t have that issue at all. 

This isn’t me feeling bad for myself because I know each person has their own struggles. I know that they may have something else that’s just as difficult, but I get jealous still. I don’t feel bad or pout about the cards I was dealt. I do get angry though. It sometimes seems as if I am battling my own brain and experiences that have caused me pain. I’m at war with who I am. 

Often I feel as if I have failed. My mindset often is as if I didn’t do a good enough job at preventing it. This is something I’ve had to work on in therapy. One of the biggest struggles is accepting the way I am. I’ve never skipped a day of medication, I skipped therapy once in my life, and go to my doctor regularly while communicating every feeling, Everything necessary to get “better” I make sure to do it. Still, it never seems to be enough. 

What if I didn’t have social anxiety, would I have taken more opportunities? If I didn’t have depression would I be more confident and get more done? If I wasn’t anxious would I be able to have more fun and relax? It’s all of these questions that flood my mind on my bad days. Sometimes it’s hard to not think that all of those have held me back and I begin to compare myself to those who have already accomplished everything I want. 

As I said, I don’t feel bad about myself. There’s no reason to. There’s no crying over this because it’s a part of me. It has helped me figure out who I am and guided me to what I want to do. With that being said I would never wish any of it on somebody. If you don’t experience this I hope you never do. If you struggle with it then I hope you find comfort with my posts and don’t feel alone. 

I have mental illnesses, but they do not have me. They will continue to help me grow and become the person I am meant to be. The future holds so much and I know I will continue to help others as much as possible. If you are looking for ways to help, but don’t know how Google helplines. They can always use donations to continue free support. They save so many lives and are incredibly important.